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  • Do computers have brothers? No. Just tran-sisters.
  • Q:What is the difference between a boxer and a boy with cold?
    A:One knows his blows, the other blows his nose.

  • A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
  • What is the longest word in the English Language? SMILES. There is a mile between the first and last letters.
  • The teacher said, "Short waves cannot pass around objects. Long waves can." The class did not understand. The teacher put his hat in front of his face. "Can you see my face?" "No." "Can you hear my voice?" "Yes." "What does that prove?" "You are talking through your hat." (To talk through your hat = to talk nonsense)
  • At school one morning the teacher asked little Johnny what he had for breakfast. Little Johnny said, well, on my way to school I come cross this Apple tree, so I climbed up there and started eating apples. I guess I eat about six, said little Johnny. No, said the teacher, it’s ate! Little Johnny said well it could've been eight I don't remember.

  • What’s the good part about Alzheimer’s diseased?
    You keep meeting new friends.

  • If you can’t find a lawyer who knows the law, find a lawyer who knows the judge

  • I see said the blind man to his deaf wife, over a disconnected telephone in a dark room, looking for a black cat that wasn't even there

    Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

    Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

    -- Management

    We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

    All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

  • Wife is the knife which cuts the life but there is no life without a wife

  • Peter says. Doctor, I see double!
    Sit on the chair please the doctor says.
    Which one? Peter replied.

  • What did the spider email to the fly?
    Visit my Web site!

  • What kind of make up was the girl wearing on Halloween?

  • What kind of make up was the girl wearing on Halloween?

  • I stand behind every car I sell said the previously owned sales rep.
    I help push it!

  • A young man studying in a college abroad sent this SMS to his father: Dear dad, no mon, no fun, your son. The father replied: Dear son, too bad, so sad, your dad.
  • It was the first day of school, and the first grade teacher decided to see how much her students knew about math.
    “Steven, can you tell me what is 3 and 2?” Steven said, “That’s when you should watch very, very carefully before you swing at the next pitch.”

  • A small 1 SEATER plane crashed into a cemetery. Police have recovered 102 bodies so far and will continue to dig throughout the night.

  • A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

    For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

    The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

    The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

  • A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
    "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
    "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

  • The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
    "John," the new guy replied.
    The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
    The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
    "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

  • Q: How come legacy programmers get Halloween and Christmas confused?

    A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25 (Octal 31 = Decimal 25)

  • Waiter: And how did you find your steak, sir?
    Customer: Well, I just pushed aside a bean and there it was!

  • An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

    Dear Bubba:
    I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

    Love, Dad

    A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Dad:
    For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
    Love, Bubba

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
    That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Dad:
    Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Love, Bubba

  • People say that there is no difference between ‘finished’ and ‘complete’.
    I say there is.....
    Marry the right person, and you’re ‘complete’
    Marry the wrong person, and you’re ‘finished’

  • One day a rich famous man went to buy a sport car from a dealership. The price of the car was $80000 and the man had only $79998 to pay.
    The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be $80000.
    The man came out of the store and looked around and saw a poor man begging for help. He went toward him and introduced himself and asked if he is kind enough to lend him $2. The poor man asked the reason. He replied that he is willing to buy a car. The poor man thought for a moment and gave the man $4 and said: Please buy one for me too.


    1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
    2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty.
    3. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
    4. You think Central Park is "nature."
    5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
    6. You've worn out a car horn.
    7 You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

  • Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
    Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!
    I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,
    So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
    Admission is free, so pay at the door.

    One fine day, in the middle of the night,
    two, dead boys got up to fight.
    Back to back, they faced each other,
    drew their swords and shot each other.
    A deaf policeman heard the noise,
    and saved the lives of the two dead boys.
    If you don't believe my lies are true,
    ask the blind man, he saw it too!


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